One of the textbooks for a class I’m taking is Watchmen. That’s right. I get to read graphic novels for homework. Pretty sweet, huh?The best part is that Watchmen is coming to the big screen March 6 and I’m pumped.but at the same time, really nervous. I’m terrified at the thought of them screwing this thing up. And when I say “them” I mean Hollywood-the film industry.
Some of you may recall that before I was the editorial editor I did movie reviews for the Oracle. Okay, so maybe only like two of you remembered that, but it doesn’t really matter. I used to see a lot of movies. I mean a lot. A year ago I was seeing at least a movie a week, sometimes two movies a week. I loved movies and I loved writing movie reviews. But as time went on I began to see less and less films.
After I saw The Dark Knight on opening night, I changed my standards for movie viewing. I resolved to only see movies that I knew were going to be good. Of course, what I deem to be good isn’t what all of you would agree with, but that’s okay. I guess my point is that Hollywood continues to put out six pieces of crap and three average films for every one brilliant, Oscar worthy The Dark Knight.
For kicks and giggles, let’s just take a look at some of the movies now showing at the local theater.
Confessions of a Shopaholic. The movie deals with one thing my generation should probably educate themselves more about: shopping on credit and credit card debt. The problem is that this flick paints a picture that is far from the likely truth of reality. Girl gets into credit card trouble and everything works out in the end.
Pink Panther 2. I guess one sucky Pink Panther movie wasn’t enough. The Pink Panther should stick to home insulation commercials and stay off the big screen. Even as a family film/kids movie, this movie just looks dumb.
He’s Just Not That Into You. One girl said, “Basically it about how boys are mean and girls are emotional.” Another said, “Men are jerks and women think too much.” Great. Something we always hear about anyway is driving the plot of a movie that’s going to cost me $8 to see. Fantastic.
The Uninvited. Really? The Ring, The Ring 2, The Eye, The Messengers, Quarantine and the other score of films just like this one weren’t enough? Hollywood keeps recycling the same crappy script over and over again and many of you keep buying it. We get it. “We’re not alone-there’s some spooky or evil force at work” and yada yada yada, who gives a crap?
Which brings me to the next films.
My Bloody Valentine. If you’re a guy, and you took your “special gal” to see this for Valentine’s Day…shame on you. This movie has got to be a joke. The worst part is, some of you paid $10 to see this one in 3D. Newsflash: a crappy movie in 3D is still a crappy movie. This movie is simple: everybody but one or two people dies and we find out “oh no the killer was that guy! But I thought he was with the good guys?” Where have I seen this before? Oh, yeah…Scream 1, 2, and 3. Come on people! Everyone gets slashed up, not as part of the plot, but as the entire plot, and you find that entertaining? That’s crazy. You paid money to watch people die and you knew heading into the theater that that was the point of the whole movie.
But the beat (and the blood) goes on.
Friday the 13th. Wow. They were beating a dead horse when Jason X came out, but this is just nuts. The whole movie is about one guy killing everyone. You go into the theater knowing that every character you meet on screen will inevitably die by way of Jason. So why do you go? You go because you’re curious to know how and in what sick and twisted way Jason will dispatch his victims from this life to the next. If you’re in the theater and you find yourself rooting for Jason, I advise you to seek help immediately.
You are having plots recycled and reused. Hollywood is running out of ideas for films. And they are insulting your intelligence. But then again, if we can continue to sell people crap, why give them steak? After all, when no one stops eating the garbage, why stop selling it? They are making a killing as you run to slop trough when you could be dining in luxury.
Why do we do that?
Here’s my point summarized: A year ago I was wandering around Blockbuster when I noticed a movie on the shelf called Vampire Assassin. The cover features a black American male in a black long coat, with black sunglasses, a katana and throwing stars. The back of the case informed me that this guys’ mission in life was killing vampires for revenge. Seriously? Did they really just rip off every element of the Blade series which released not one but three films? Yes, they did and they were shameless as they did it so pathetically. Some production company decided to drop millions on this horrendous knock-off.
Take a stand by doing something simple. Don’t waste money on movies that are worthless. Stop seeing crappy movies and eventually Hollywood will get the hint.
