My MMA solution to frivolous abortion

Last week, I mentioned the insanity of one woman and her quest for birthing a million kids (or just 14). It saddens me deeply that someone like her would receive free IVF when deserving, rational, loving people all over the country can’t afford to actually pay for it. Women and their husbands aren’t able to have their own kids so they turn to either IVF or adoption in their desire to start a family. Both are expensive and both are challenging. But, the adoption pool isn’t nearly as rich as it could be. There are a lot of babies missing and hopeful parents are missing out on adopting them. Why? Because they’re dead. Those babies have been murdered.

It drives me nuts that so many babies are murdered in the womb every year when they could be born and given to people who cannot have their own kids. Voluntary, unnecessary abortion is extremely selfish and it needs to stop. It’s the murder of a defenseless being. Some people say the unborn fetus is alive and has a right to life, and some people say the fetus is (insert liberal pro-choice claims here). Regardless of your thoughts on the human rights and status of a fetus in the womb, one thing is certain: it, whatever it is, is defenseless. Defenseless.

Which reminds me. There was a huge MMA event in Cookeville last Saturday. I attended. It was awesome. It was in Memorial Gym, right here on campus. How cool is that? I got to watch three Tech students win MMA fight in epic fashion. One guy is a rugby teammate of mine. He dominated his opponent in the second round with vicious ground and pound. The atmosphere in Memorial Gym was electric-3000 people going nuts as he jumped to the top of the cage and pointed to the crowd.

People who call MMA “human cock-fighting” are ignorant. They’ve clearly never seen a technically brilliant MMA fight. It’s a thing of beauty. I only bring this up because I love MMA, and mixed martial arts is actually part of my solution for frivolous abortion. Here’s how this looks:

Every time a woman wants to have an abortion that isn’t life threatening, (for instance, teenage girl gets knocked up at prom and the baby is healthy, etc. etc.) she will be forced, by law, to have the baby. The kid will be placed in the hands of loving parents and the training will begin. Training? Oh yes, training.

Most kids cost about $175,000 to raise for 18 years. So what we’ll do is this: At 18 or even 16, the “unwanted” kid will enter an octagon shaped cage wearing 4 ounce MMA gloves. If the biological mother still wants to take the life of this child, she will have the chance and now that kid has a shot to defend themselves. If the mom wins the 5 round fight, she earns $200,000 in prize money. This is a little more than the cost of raising that kid (which she didn’t have to raise). Also, as an added “I didn’t want them to ever exist” bonus, we’ll take the kid out back and shoot them. The baby grew up and had a shot to defend itself-and it failed.

But, if the kid wins and mommy gets knocked out, tapped out or loses a unanimous decision, then we imprison her for attempting to take the kids life (attempted murder). In this set up, there are no doctor stoppages, corner stoppages, or anything like that. Life is on the line. so we’re pushing this to the limit.

Could you imagine how few of these fights would take place? And the ones that do go down will be put on pay-per view and rake in insane amounts of money. It would be incredible. Think about all the dilemmas this solves! Cash flow increases and the economy is stimulated, abortion rates plummet, adoption becomes more tangible, and the masses are entertained because the fights really, really matter!

I’d like to dedicate this article to Jonathan Swift and my political satire professor.