Make Kim Kardashian go away

I, Jonathan Frank, by the power vested in me by our editor, Will, and Professor Cowart, do hereby call for a moratorium on all news coverage of Kim Kardashian.

This order is effective immediately.

I haven’t really cleared this with any of the other Oracle staff but I’m sure they’ll go with it. I’ll send out an email.

In less than a year our country will vote to elect a President.

Meanwhile, the country of Thailand was recently devastated by the worst flooding in more than half a century.

The entire country of Greece is going broke and making plans to form an “interim government”. McDonalds’ just reintroduced the McRib sandwich, yet when I turn on the morning news all I can hear about is that girl’s divorce.

Really, Ann Currie? You’ve been a distinguished journalist for more than 30 years, reporting from Baghdad, Sri Lanka, and Darfur.

Now you’re discussing the supposedly shocking divorce of a reality show star who, lest we forget, became a household name because of a leaked sex tape.

Everyone knows that the sun will rise in the morning and classless reality show stars who rise to fame by way of a pornographic home video will get divorced—probably at least a dozen times.

These things are not news.

I’ve long been concerned with the way our society puts Hollywood-type celebrities on a pedestal and becomes personally invested in the sordid details of their lives, relayed to us via the National Enquirer.

But at least Brad and Angelina have some recognizable talent and adopted a few kids.

Kim Kardashian’s contributions to society are a little less noble.

First, she’s provided a sex tape to entertain lonely deviants living in their parents’ basements and trolling on the personals page of Craigslist.

Second, she’s inspired 10 year old girls to dress like streetwalkers.

Oh, and she also “sings,” meaning there is a heavily auto-tuned song attributed to her on iTunes.

I suspect it was actually performed by a very advanced computer.

Additionally, she “wrote” a book last year entitled “Kardashian Konfidential.”

You may think that the title of the book is supposed to be a witty pun, but I have a feeling she genuinely thinks that’s the correct spelling of the word.

To the poor, poor shadow writer who drew the short straw and had to work with Kim Kardashian on this endeavor: your reward awaits you in another life.

What Kim Kardashian does with her three-ring circus life has no bearing on your day-to-day living or mine.

Let’s move away from idolizing self-serving celebrities who struggle to put together coherent sentences and enter into relationships that don’t last as long as the latest generation of the iPhone.

Let’s give our time and attention to the stories that really matter and the individuals in the public sphere who actually bring something of worth to the table.

In the event that Kim Kardashian is laying poolside somewhere in a heavy fog of tanning spray, half intoxicated, reading this column–or perhaps having it read to her, I want to speak very plainly in this last sentence so that she may understand, because I know that I’ve used a lot of big words.

Kim Kardashian, your 15 minutes are up.