State Senate wages war on teenage hand-holding


Holding hands is a gateway to sexual intercourse, at least according to the Tennessee Senate’s newly passed bill.

The bill itself almost reads like a class syllabus, laying out rules for sex education in Tennessee by way of a strict abstinence-only curriculum.  

I could take this opportunity to cite one of the many studies done on how much more effective comprehensive sexual education is at lowering teen pregnancy rates.  

Or, I could rehash the old standby argument that there’s no way you can give a building crammed full of sexually frustrated teenagers some promise rings and expect them to all to buy into it.

I could even quote some Tennessee politicians’ remarks on safe sex practices that are as false as they are irresponsible.  

But instead, I’ve decided to join the nonsensical bandwagon.

In honor of them throwing out that old scientific idea of correlation not being indicative of causation, I think we should get the ball rolling on some new bills to define the other dangerous gateways we encounter in day to day life.

For instance, I’m guessing that most serial killers ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at some point in their lives.

Therefore I propose a law that all peanut butter containers have a government warning label stating the link between pb & j sandwich consumption and homicidal tendencies. 

It’s a slippery slope, my friends.

 I asked other students for their best new bill ideas, and here’s what they came up with:

• Eating is a gateway to bulimia.

• Shoe wearing is a gateway to curb stomping.

• Breathing is a gateway to smoking.

• Literacy is a gateway to propaganda.

• Political grandstanding is a gateway to becoming an irrelevant politician, creating mistrust of government and wasting tax money.

• Drinking water is a gateway to death. 100 percent of all dead people have H2O in their bodies.

• Last but not least: ignorance is a gateway to bill writing.

This is just a small sample of what our student body can accomplish when it performs its patriotic duty.  If anyone out there thinks of more, be sure to write to your senator.

That about wraps it up, folks.  This will be my last editorial before graduating.  I’ve had a great time venting my college life frustrations with you over the past few semesters.  

Have a fantastic summer break, and remember:  the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  If you want something to change on your campus, in your government or in your world, then you have to start making some noise.

Trust me, it’s amazing what you can accomplish with a little research and some well-placed sarcasm.