Madonna half-time show falls flat

Oracle readers, we need to have a family discussion about that halftime show at the Super Bowl this year.

Admittedly, I’m not a huge Madonna fan. Cue the letters to the editor. I would have liked to see a performance by someone who’s a little bit more current, say for example, The Carpenters, ABBA, or perhaps John Tesh.

In terms of the actual performance, let’s start with the um, “singing.” Madonna and I have two things in common: neither of us has ever sung at the Super Bowl. This isn’t the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and Madonna isn’t Ashlee Simpson (she could, however, be her mother).

I was expecting a live performance. Instead, I’m pretty sure some guy hit “play” on a CD in a sound booth somewhere while Madonna and her army of Trojan soldiers bopped around on stage.

Madonna, dressed in some sort of Cleopatra-inspired getup, performed her hit song “Vogue” and briefly did some shufflin’ and various awkward stretches with LMFAO. Then Nicki Minaj, M.I.A. and a chorus of cheerleaders took to the stage and joined Madonna in a performance of a new song entitled, “Give Me All Your Luvin’.”

It was at this time that Madonna picked up a pair of pompoms and joined the cheerleaders in their routine.

Madonna, you look great but you’re 53 years old and are probably already receiving solicitation in the mail from AARP. Stop gyrating across the stage in your stripper boots and put down those pompoms; you could throw out your hip.

Also during this song, M.I.A., who I only know from the “Slumdog Millionaire” soundtrack, flipped the bird to the show’s 111-million-strong audience, thus sending the Parents Television Counsel and the FCC into panic mode. But hey, at least we didn’t have a wardrobe malfunction.

After that song, a marching band lead by a visibly winded Cee Lo Green came out and joined Madonna in a 30-second medley of “Open Your Heart,” and “Express Yourself.” I’m a product of the ‘90s so I had to Google the lyrics.

Then, for the grand finale, Madonna and a sparkly-black, choir robe-clad Cee Lo Green, who at this point is starting to resemble a low-budget drag queen, lead a choir in a performance of “Like A Prayer.” This concluded with Madonna disappearing into a cloud of smoke and the message “world peace” displayed across the stage.

World peace, huh? Let’s just shoot for civility between you and Elton John. That would be a good start.