Offending college students is unavoidable

If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my time at Tech, it’s that everything you do or say is going to offend someone.

It doesn’t matter if you help a blind man cross the road, kick someone’s pet dog or simply wear high-waisted jeans. You’re going to make someone furious.

It all boils down to the fact that college students are insane.

We get about four hours of sleep each night, survive on a diet of cheese puffs and coffee and spend five days a week memorizing and regurgitating facts about symbolism in poems about tigers.

Is it any wonder that we’re all giant buckets of crazy?

At the same time, every college student has at least one subject that they feel very passionately about. It could be politics, fashion, celebrities, a television show, etc. You can never tell what that area of importance will be. Say that you can’t drive a car with a stick shift, and the person sitting in front of you may end your life.

Like I said, everything will be offensive to someone. Maybe it’s because they’re experts on the subject. Maybe it’s because they’re passionate people who were fed misinformation.

Or maybe it’s because they just stood in line at Mondo’s for thirty minutes and the toaster broke as soon as they placed their orders.

Whenever I think about students at Tech getting offended over nothing, there are always two situations that come to mind.

Guys, if you hold doors open for girls, nine will thank you and one will assume you’re calling her weak.

It doesn’t matter if she holds doors open for other people all the time and she doesn’t think twice about it.

You held that door open specifically because you believe she’s incapable of doing it herself. You might as well have turned around and told her she should be barefoot and pregnant.

How dare you insult all of womankind? Holding that door open was clearly to send her the message that you don’t respect women.

You probably think that they should never have been given the right to vote. It’s written all over your face, you sexist.

Girls, if you turn down ten guys who ask you on dates, then nine will graciously accept your decision and one will whine to his boys about the friend zone and say you led him on.

It’s not a possibility that you simply don’t want to date that person. You had the audacity to be nice to him on a daily basis and trick him into liking you.

Then you stomped his heart into the ground like the tease you are. You friend zoned him.

After all, no girl has ever dated someone she was friends with. It’s against the oath we take at the annual secret girl meeting we don’t tell the men about.

These are just two examples that most of us have encountered. There are a million others.

Maybe you bought a shirt from Kohl’s because it was on sale and you needed it for a job interview. There’s going to be at least one person on campus who accuses you of supporting child labor.

Maybe you’re eating an apple. Someone’s going to be angry that it’s a gala apple and not a golden delicious.

See what I mean? It doesn’t matter what you’re doing. You’re following the crowd. You’re pretending to be something you’re not.

You know what? How dare you read my article. I bet you’re just reading it ironically.

Look at you sitting there judging my writing. You think you’re better than me, grammar Nazi? What, you think you’re cool because you read The Oracle?

What a poser.